snowy road

It’s been over a year since I’ve blogged, y’all.

Am I even allowed to say y’all anymore now that I’m not living in the south? I don’t even know.

This last year has been a doozy, too.

Instead of blogging, I was walking through:

  • complete physical and emotional burnout
  • overwhelming grief
  • homeschooling even though it wasn’t a good fit
  • several major life changes
  • remodeling our house on an extremely tight budget while living there
  • listing and selling our home
  • moving cross-country (again!)
  • house-hunting under impossible circumstances
  • new schools
  • months of (unsuccessful) job hunting
  • a new job, finally!
  • and living in a house while making major renovations (again!)

It makes me tired just typing that.

It was a grueling year, to be honest. Even though looking back I can see the huge things we accomplished, in the middle it seemed like we were moving at a snails pace. Each tiny baby step of progress was SO hard won. Every day felt like a desperate push for some sort of momentum, a tiny bit of traction.

Last year I was so deep in burnout, the holidays almost didn’t happen for us.

I hung out with people other than my immediate family three times last December. Other than grocery shopping and a few family outings, I didn’t leave my house. A quick trip to the beach or playground would leave me crashed out for hours afterwards in deep physical and emotional fatigue. We didn’t have health insurance and couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket to see a doctor, so I just did what I knew to do and made space in my life for rest. As much and as long as I could get. Just barely, I kept our home life functioning, and I had to be content with that.

I had to let go of so many things.

There’s nothing quite like realizing that you’ve wrapped up your whole entire worth in performance – to then find yourself unable to perform. It’s the ultimate sucker-punch. Realizing that instead of saving the day (my favorite!) I was suddenly not contributing, and even worse, needy. Instead of productivity (my other favorite thing,) I was cashing in my “in sickness and in health” card, leaving my husband to pick up So. Much. Slack. I struggled with homeschooling, praying every day that I wasn’t scarring my girls for life with my sub-par teaching skills. I was the loser friend, barely able to respond coherently to a text message, let alone come up with the words to explain why I couldn’t, wouldn’t be showing up, again.

Sometimes, my friend, momentum is really really hard to find.

Sometimes life hits you like a tidal wave – you’re sucked into the undertow so long you don’t even know which way is up. Or you hit just one slick patch and find yourself completely off road, embedded in the ditch – not even sure what just happened. You’re desperately swimming for the surface, holding your breath, reaching for some traction.

Don’t despair, friend.

You’ll find it. I promise.

Of course momentum may look different than you ever imagined – life is great at throwing curve balls like that. It might mean floating for awhile, or just hanging there, waiting for rescue.

But one day you’ll realize that you’re actually caught up on sleep.

That grief isn’t as scary as it once seemed.

One day you’ll make dinner and wash dishes in the same evening.

You’ll call a friend and make plans to meet for coffee.

And show up for more things this weekend than last year you did in the month.

You might even start blogging again.

Hi there, Momentum! I’m so happy to have found you again. #finally

Thank you Lord for bringing me through this last year, and filling my heart with so much hope.

“Since we have been acquitted and made right through faith, we are able to experience true and lasting peace with God through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One, the Liberating King.Jesus leads us into a place of radical grace where we are able to celebrate the hope of experiencing God’s glory. And that’s not all. We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodnessAnd hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.

When the time was right, the Anointed One died for all of us who were far from God, powerless, and weak. Now it is rare to find someone willing to die for an upright person, although it’s possible that someone may give up his life for one who is truly good. But think about this:while we were wasting our lives in sin, God revealed His powerful love to us in a tangible display—the Anointed One died for us. As a result, the blood of Jesus has made us right with God now, and certainly we will be rescued by Him from God’s wrath in the future.10 If we were in the heat of combat with God when His Son reconciled us by laying down His life, then how much more will we be saved by Jesus’ resurrection life? 11 In fact, we stand now reconciled and at peace with God. That’s why we celebrate in God through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed.” Romans 5:1-11 The Voice

Thanks for reading, friend. I’m so grateful to be back here writing again.

xoxo

— Jamie

When Momentum is Hard to Find
Jamie Siebens

Jamie writes about living intentionally and finding beauty and perspective in the adventures of everyday life. When she’s not writing, she’s living her own adventures – working full time at an ER registration desk, parenting two spicy girls, and collaborating with her husband on the remodel of a former one-room schoolhouse on their homestead in rural Wisconsin.

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