October 10, 2017 by Jamie Siebens

Toy Jail – How and Why We Use This Awesome Parenting Tool!

Last week I shared with you about toy timeouts and why we love them so much. If you haven’t had a chance to read that post you can do so by clicking here. Today I wanted to share something we use just as much: Toy Jail.

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So what’s the difference between Toy Jail and a Toy Timeout?

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Toy timeouts are meant to give kids time and space to process why they are losing the privilege of playing with that toy. Just like a kid timeout, it gives them time to think. A toy might end up in timeout for as little as 5 minutes, or as long as a week, but they’ll always get it back when the time is up. Toy jail is similar, but with one distinct difference: If a toy gets sent to toy jail the child will always have to do something to earn it back.

Related: Why Kids Need to be Bored

We use Toy Jail for the following situations:

If toys aren’t being cared for properly.
If toys are left out after the child’s been asked to put them away (and of course, has been given reasonable time to do so).
And sometimes if toys are being played with in an inappropriate way. (This is a scenario where sometimes we use a toy time out, but if the situation is more serious or is a recurring issue, the toy might actually go into Toy Jail and need to be earned back.)

How are toys earned back from Toy Jail?

Our kids can earn toys back from toy jail several different ways. At first we started just having them do an age appropriate chore in order to earn the toy back. Now we have a system of reward tickets that they earn throughout the day (more on that soon) and one of the ways our kids can choose to use those tickets to buy toys back out of toy jail.

So why do we love Toy Jail SO much?

Toy jail is an awesome parenting tool, because it’s a real life natural consequence. It just makes so much sense to lose the privilege of playing with a toy for a time if it hasn’t been cleaned up or cared for properly. And having to actually earn it back really solidifies that lesson in a child’s mind.

But my favorite thing about toy jail is that it has helped me to weed out toys that my kids say they care about, but really don’t.

You see when it’s time to sort through the toy basket for items to throw away or donate there can be so much drama. My kids turn into little hoarders and they don’t want to get rid of anything. But I’ve learned, if it toy ends up in toy jail it is a great test to see if they actually care enough to earn it back.

Related: Our Journey Towards Minimalism

If they’ve had the chance to earn a toy back several times and don’t decide to do so it’s automatically going in the donate box.

(They know this.) And that has been a great way for us to weed out toys without the normal drama and tears and gnashing of teeth. In fact, many times when given the choice between earning a toy back or donating it my girls have actually chosen to donate it and that is an awesome thing. It’s a win win for everyone!

Now, even though my kids get the opportunity to earn toys back from toy jail, they don’t always get to do so right away.

If the toy has been taken away because they were using it inappropriately, it might have to stay in jail for up to a month before they’ll even have the chance to earn it back. This is a great addition to the natural consequences of the toy being taken away in the first place and gives them a lot of time to think about what they might do differently next time.

Just like any parenting tool, this won’t work for every kid or every situation.

It works best when implemented with lots of love and respect for everyone involved. But it is a fabulous tool, and something that has helped us to gently provide real world consequences and (hopefully) equip our kids to succeed in the real challenges of life.

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October 3, 2017 by Jamie Siebens

Toy Timeouts: A Parenting Hack that Really Works

Have you ever heard of a toy timeout? Toy timeouts are one of my FAVORITE parenting tricks, and I’m SO EXCITED to share with you today.

So, what are toy timeouts? I’m so glad you asked.

A toy time out in our house is just what it sounds like – a toy or set of toys gets put in a special place where kids can’t reach them, for a specific amount of time. In our house, toys go to the top shelf of my bedroom closet.

We use toy timeouts instead of kid timeouts for many situations. When a toy is being used inappropriately it’s often more effective to take the toy away and put it in time out for a while rather than putting the child in time out.

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There are several reasons for toy timeouts, but here are some of the most common:

If it’s a toy that they are fighting over and aren’t willing to share nicely or take turns.
If the toy is being used inappropriately – for example using markers on the walls, or craft scissors to cut hair.
When special toys aren’t being taken care of – like shoving a keepsake doll in the toy box rather than putting her away nicely on the shelf where she belongs.

How long do toys stay in time out?

This totally depends on the situation. If it’s in time out because of being fought over, it might be there for an hour or until the next day.

When toys are used or cared for inappropriately, they usually get a longer stint on the time out shelf. For example, in our house the rule is that the kid scissors in their art bin are ONLY for cutting paper. So when I found a fist size hole hacked into a pillow case – ALL of the art bin scissors went into time out for a week.

Why give the toy a time out rather than the kid?

Because it helps put the focus on the right thing!

You see, as much as I believe there is a time and place for kid timeouts, sometimes they just don’t help as much as we’d like them to.

Like when kids are fighting over a toy. It’s a natural response for a child to want the toy to themselves – to not share. And for kids who are still learning and not emotionally mature yet, getting a timeout for fighting over a toy feels so unjust. It’s like they are being punished for a normal human response.

But for some reason, when the TOY goes into timeout, it diffuses the whole conflict. (Well, usually). And after the emotions cool, it is way easier to talk about how to play kindly, take turns, etc. There’s much less blame going around too – after all, it really was the toy that got in trouble, not the kid.

That’s why it works so well for using toys inappropriately too. In my experience, this is mostly caused by impulsiveness, or acting out due to another issue. In those situations, a toy timeout is simply a natural consequence for their choice, there’s no shame or blame involved.

Are toy time outs your only parenting tool?

Of course not! But they can be a fantastic and effective addition to your parenting toolbox. They have certainly worked for us.

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June 21, 2017 by Jamie Siebens

10 Truths to Remember When You Feel Like a Bad Mom

The guilt washed over me in waves as we drove home from the beach. How could I have forgotten the sunscreen at home? Even worse, why didn’t we just pack up and leave once I realized my mistake? One look back at my uncomfortably sunburnt children in the back seat was enough to make me sure I was a bad mom – probably the worst mom on the planet.

If you have kids, I know you’ve been there too. It’s so easy to see ourselves in a negative light – to zoom in on our mistakes so much that we don’t see the big picture. But mom guilt, as convincing as it is, gets us nowhere.

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Here are 10 truths to remember when you feel like a bad mom:

They’ve helped me so much. I hope they help you too.

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1. There’s no such thing as a perfect mom.

We all want to raise our kids well, to set them up to live a good life – hopefully without screwing them up too much. But it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing we have to be the perfect parent to make that happen. The truth is though, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Believing we somehow should be just sets us up for a boatload of stress and anxiety. You’re not perfect. Join the club.

2. You care enough to question yourself, and that’s important.

The fact that you feel like a bad mom is actually a good thing. It means that you’re teachable, and that you realize you have room to improve. Feeling like a bad mom means you care, and caring is what really matters. Also,

3. Parenting is the most challenging thing you’ll ever do, and it doesn’t come with a guidebook.

Raising kids is hard. Especially when you hear a million opinions of how it should be done, but none of them agree. You’re tackling a really hard thing here, so give yourself some credit! Especially since,

4. Each child is unique and comes their own set of gifts and challenges.

You are raising the only child like your child in the whole entire world. Sure, there are some similarities in personality and interests. But really, this kid is unique. They’re a puzzle, and it’s going to take some trial and error to figure them out. Trial and ERROR. Have I mentioned that you’re not going to do this perfectly? I won’t either.

5. Mistakes are not the end of the world.

You are human, and you are going to make mistakes. Even big, painful mistakes are not the end of the world. They’re just part of life. Your kids already know you’re human. They’ve seen you screw up before. They’re learning from you how to handle making mistakes. In fact,

6. This is an awesome opportunity to model grace – for yourself.

Giving yourself grace when you’re feeling like a bad mom, is the best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids. They need to see what it’s like when an adult can get back up from a mistake, dust themselves off, and keep going. Would you want your child to beat themselves up over and over for not doing something perfectly? No? Show them how to extend grace to others and themselves. Also,

7. A heartfelt apology is worth more than gold.

Another amazing thing you can do for your kids, is to give them a heartfelt apology when you screw up. This shows them you care, and models mature adult life skills – cleaning up after yourself when you’ve made a mess. Humbly admitting your mistakes and asking for forgiveness isn’t always easy, but it’s so worth it. And it’s even more important because,

8. These kids are in YOUR life for a reason.

God put these kids in YOUR life – whether you gave birth to them or they became yours through marriage or adoption. YOU are in their lives for a reason. There is something special that they need from you. Not the supermom down the street, not your sugary sweet, soft-spoken neighbor next door. YOU. And being there, imperfections and all, is what they need from you. Besides,

9. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it.

It’s another opportunity to start fresh, and to learn from our past failures and keep moving forward. Now, let’s be honest, there WILL be mistakes tomorrow too. But that’s okay, because no one is doing this perfectly. And the truth is,

10. Kids are incredibly resilient.

All around the world there are kids surviving far more than the worst that you, a loving mom, could ever fail to do for your kids. Do your children eat regularly and sleep in a warm bed? Are they being supervised, educated, and loved on a regular basis? I bet they are. Even with the challenges they face being raised by an imperfect parent, the overwhelming chances are, they’ll be just fine.

“There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one.” – Jill Churchill

The guilt – the bad mom feelings – are such a lie.

My kids may be sunburnt, but that’s because I cared enough to pack a picnic lunch and drive them to the beach. We lose our patience because we’re there, present in their lives. We drop them off at daycare because we’re committed to putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. We mess up because we’re human, and we feel guilty because we care. And we’re good moms because caring is what really matters anyway.

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June 8, 2017 by Jamie Siebens

How We’re Sneaking Summer Skill Building into Lazy Days

Summer is upon us, and I am working hard to get back in the groove of things. In some ways it’s nice to have a more laid back schedule, but in others…. well, I’m already missing the comfort of a set-in-stone routine. The summer heat here is brutal, and I know we’ll be spending lots of time inside. In order to avoid turning into total couch potatoes, I’m really going to try to keep us active and engaged, and hopefully build some practical skills into our fun time.

Here are some of ways we’re sneaking summer skill building into our lazy days:

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A Teamwork Approach to Housework

Our kids have been cleaning up after themselves and helping with chores since they were toddlers, but this summer we’re working on real life skills that will help them work independently. Some of the things our 6&7 year olds will be practicing this summer include:

Folding laundry a specific way
Cleaning and polishing the bathroom sink
Unloading the dishwasher and putting dishes away
Loading the dishwasher a specific way
Setting the table properly
Keeping their art supplies clean and organized
Keeping their bookshelf neat and tidy
Stove safety and preparing basic foods like quesadillas and scrambled eggs

Most of these “training” opportunities are going to be in Mommy & Me chore sessions around the house. The girls are already used to working together with me on projects — they have no idea that summer skill building is my hidden agenda. And I’m totally fine with that. We’ll also be working on:

Healthier Habits for Sweets & Snacking

Without the structure of school days, it’s easy to get into the habit of snacking all day long. Constant grazing is not a habit I want to encourage though – it’s a recipe for constant messes and can easily turn into mindless munching and boredom eating (ask me how I know!) So we’ve determined some realistic meal and snack times, and are doing our best to stick to them – myself included.

We also got into the bad habit this year of eating sweets after almost every meal. I blame the Halloween/Christmas/Valentines/Easter candy influx that filled our candy jar and kept it full ALL. YEAR. LONG. I’m stocking up on this sugarfree gum in efforts to break the candy cravings and create habits (and life skills) that will be healthier for their bodies and teeth for years to come.

Does this count as summer skill building? I think so. My kiddos will probably see it as just boring-old-rules, but the truth is at this age, we have the power to shape habits that will affect the rest of their lives. This is totally an area I’m willing to be “mean old mom” on – even for myself!

RELATED: Why Kids NEED to Be Bored

Strong Swimming Skills + Endurance

Being able to swim well can literally be a lifesaver, and it’s definitely something we’re focusing on this summer. We’ll already be spending hours at the pool to escape the summer heat, and we’re going to intentionally make time to practice the skills they learned in swimming lessons this spring:

Treading water
Floating, especially when they start to get tired
Basic swim strokes
The ability to swim 25+ yards without fatigue

The best part? We’re sneaking this into one of their favorite parts of the day – pool time! How fun is that?

Manners and Social Skills

Our girls are both very social, and easily make friends wherever we go. But we still could improve our playground etiquette skills, like introducing yourself and asking the other person’s name, inviting shy kids to be part of the group, and how to resolve disagreements in a kind and respectful way.

We’ll also be working on table manners this summer, and this is DEFINITELY needed. Yikes! Main focuses: eating neatly, sitting properly in your chair, using a napkin instead of clothes (please!!) and how to politely deal with foods you don’t care to eat.

I don’t really have a schedule for working on etiquette – we’ll be sneaking it into regular conversations in our day-to-day. And addressing issues as the need arises, of course. I know it will be something I’ll bring up on the way to playground dates and social gatherings. Spending so much time together will hopefully make it easier to work into everyday life.

What does summer look like for you?

Each summer has been incredibly different for us. Last year I worked full time, and was honestly bummed to miss out on the summer fun. This year I’m struggling on the other side of things – how to stay sane and productive with my kiddos underfoot, especially since we don’t have an outdoor space where they can play unsupervised. Some of this summer skill building might just be for my own sake as much as it is for my kids.

What’s your biggest summer challenge? Anything you’re specifically working on over the summer months? I’d love to hear your comments! And if you loved this article, please feel free to share the link with your friends!